Sixth form is a nightmare at the moment, I missed two weeks worth of work and I'm finding it impossible to catch up. I've got two weeks off now for easter break and it's 3.30am on saturday and all I've managed to do is waste the entire first week getting drunk, vomiting, staring at screens and reading - definitely not catching up. If I started it wouldn't even be that hard. But the idea of starting on the mountain of work I have scares me immensely.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, though I doubt it's bothered anyone.
I don't know how I am at the moment.
I want to get away I guess. It's not like I'm that bad. I haven't cut myself since I started on this course of anti-depressants and I haven't stayed up all night crying in a while either. So in theory it sounds good. I'm playful and relaxed and going out and being nice to people...
My Thoughts on The Future
But I'm sick of this shit: of waking up every morning to my monotonous life that's clearly going nowhere. I already know how I'm going to end up, in a fairly boring shit job, waking up every morning to my monotonous life that's clearly going nowhere. I can see it already; wake up too early, rush out the door, do a shit job, eat a shit lunch, do a shit job, go home, watch tv, go on the computer. I might even have something particular to do that day, wash my clothes or go food shopping or ring up the boiler man. I might go to a shit pub on the weekend and meet friends from work, that I'll inevitably lose touch with after they/I move on to another shit job and we are no longer convenient to one another.
And there's this little niggling thought inside me that says I can't let that happen. But what's the alternative... I follow the "American dream" what a load of wank. I can go off and try and be an actress (something I'd love to do) I fail miserably and end up working an even shittier job than the fore mentioned and on the side begging for scraps of badly paid minor "acting" jobs that lead no where.
No matter what happens, it all ends up shit.
We live each mind numbingly day like a zombie, pottering about completing mundane chores cursing our lives under our breath. Spending our free time staring at a glowing screen for no good reason which barely amuses us. We amount to nothing memorable, then we die.
Why do people just accept that that is how their life is going to be?
And more importantly what can they do to change it?
