I once tried to describe my depression as like a tumour. It's not a piece of me, it doesn't make up a component of me, it's definitely not a part that's supposed to be there. But if I let it, it'll eat up at my insides and swallow all the parts of me that do make me the person I am. Sometimes I just don't want to fight it, I can't explain it, but when something tries to take you over with such force, it's like a release to just let it. Sometimes you just can't be bothered to fight any more.
Since my last post, clearly a lot has gone on. I lost the energy to do anything, even write this, which was such a comfort for me, I'd like to thank anyone that read my blog at any point for helping me with that. I lost a lot of weight and stopped taking care of myself, I started taking a lot of class A drugs, binge drinking enormously, being very wreckless and putting myself in dangerous situations, I'd spend weeks in my bed, only leaving it to go and buy tobacco. But, once you've hit bottom like that, the only way is up right? As time passes by thing's eventually got better, as they tend to do. I find myself now to be content, I've still got problems, but I'm dealing with things well, and enjoying myself in the process. A few times a day, I'll think briefly about jumping in front of that train, or dashing out at that lorry, or throwing myself out that window. But most of the day, I'm occupied with other distractions, these things don't take centre stage like they used to.
I've gotten a job, applied for University and re-built some bridges I burnt in my cloudy state.
But I'm learning a lot about myself, as everyone always is. There's myriad things I can still learn. I'm slowly leaving all the monsters and graveyards behind, I'm forgiving people I'd never've thought I would, and I'm dealing with things better than I ever thought I would. I'm so ashamed of all the people I hurt in my selfish bubble, but I'll learn to forgive myself if I haven't already.
I'm not saying the tumour will never come back, as it almost certainly will. And I know that it'll ruin me all over again, but for the time being, I'm plastering up the cracks one day at a time for tomorrow. No emotion will ever compare to the sheer heightened sense that you get when you're severely depressed. And once you've tasted it, it's hard not to go back for seconds.
I often get forgotten about now, I've been taken off the NHS priority list, my dad spends most of his nights with his girlfriend or with friends, my mum is finally free of a lot of her responsibilities so goes to the pub and on dates, at school my teachers have forgotten about me, and expect me to catch up and be in every lesson. As for Jamie, after several months he took me back, part of me feels he's still punishing me for the ways I hurt him. I'll never stop being ashamed of the night when he wouldn't come to my house and was with a friend, and I pestered and insulted him so much he stopped replying. I cut "I hate you" into my arm, so deeply I kept drifting in and out of unconsciousness, I still have the scars to prove it. I took a photo of it on my phone after I did it and sent it to him with the caption "do you believe that I hate you now?" I'll never stop regretting that night for as long as I live. But eventually he did take me back, which show's how much I must mean to him.
A Letter To Jamie
(Needless to say he'll never see this, even if it is intended for him)
No one ever loved me like you did.
I pushed you away, I pushed you away so much, cos I expected so much from you, I expected you to put up with all the fucking emotional shit I threw at you and never complain, and be relentless in your support. In that universe that I was in the centre of, I forgot that you’re not just a planet orbiting around me, you’ve got your own universe to deal with. I put my feelings above yours, I did all this shit to hurt you, because at the time I wanted you to hurt as much as I was hurting, partly hurting for what I believed was you not loving me enough. When in fact the entire time it was the other way around, I got so caught up in myself I forgot about you. And I’ll admit that even when I told you I hated you, I told you I didn’t ever want to see you again, even when I did unspeakable shit to make you feel like guilty, I just wanted you to fight for me. I was so self absorbed and warped that I wanted you to prove yourself to me, and I wanted to test how far I could push you and still have you there, because I didn’t have enough self esteem to realise you loved me any other way.
And I’m so sorry. And ever since I realised that I’ve felt so guilty. But I’m not going to make excuses for myself. I was lying if I ever said I didn’t love you any second, even if I said I didn’t want to talk I needed some time and space, even if it was just a passing look in my face. I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’ll stay up with you all night. I’ll bring you those random little things like a can of Dr.Pepper, like you used to do to make me happy. If I needed to I’d tell the entire world because that’s how major we are, how real this is, and how this is something so much stronger than anything else. I’ll go to art galleries with you, cos I know how much you love them. I’ll try my best to understand you when it’s hard. And I’ll leave all the fucking selfish shit, all the tumours inside me behind. I’ll spend more time appreciating life instead of lying in bed. Or I’ll lie in bed with you for days on end if you want me to. And I’m here to shed tears for you if you need me to. I’m here to rip your jaws open if they’re clenched tight. I’ll always believe you, and I’ll never leave you.
But I'm learning a lot about myself, as everyone always is. There's myriad things I can still learn. I'm slowly leaving all the monsters and graveyards behind, I'm forgiving people I'd never've thought I would, and I'm dealing with things better than I ever thought I would. I'm so ashamed of all the people I hurt in my selfish bubble, but I'll learn to forgive myself if I haven't already.
I'm not saying the tumour will never come back, as it almost certainly will. And I know that it'll ruin me all over again, but for the time being, I'm plastering up the cracks one day at a time for tomorrow. No emotion will ever compare to the sheer heightened sense that you get when you're severely depressed. And once you've tasted it, it's hard not to go back for seconds.
I often get forgotten about now, I've been taken off the NHS priority list, my dad spends most of his nights with his girlfriend or with friends, my mum is finally free of a lot of her responsibilities so goes to the pub and on dates, at school my teachers have forgotten about me, and expect me to catch up and be in every lesson. As for Jamie, after several months he took me back, part of me feels he's still punishing me for the ways I hurt him. I'll never stop being ashamed of the night when he wouldn't come to my house and was with a friend, and I pestered and insulted him so much he stopped replying. I cut "I hate you" into my arm, so deeply I kept drifting in and out of unconsciousness, I still have the scars to prove it. I took a photo of it on my phone after I did it and sent it to him with the caption "do you believe that I hate you now?" I'll never stop regretting that night for as long as I live. But eventually he did take me back, which show's how much I must mean to him.
A Letter To Jamie
(Needless to say he'll never see this, even if it is intended for him)
No one ever loved me like you did.
I pushed you away, I pushed you away so much, cos I expected so much from you, I expected you to put up with all the fucking emotional shit I threw at you and never complain, and be relentless in your support. In that universe that I was in the centre of, I forgot that you’re not just a planet orbiting around me, you’ve got your own universe to deal with. I put my feelings above yours, I did all this shit to hurt you, because at the time I wanted you to hurt as much as I was hurting, partly hurting for what I believed was you not loving me enough. When in fact the entire time it was the other way around, I got so caught up in myself I forgot about you. And I’ll admit that even when I told you I hated you, I told you I didn’t ever want to see you again, even when I did unspeakable shit to make you feel like guilty, I just wanted you to fight for me. I was so self absorbed and warped that I wanted you to prove yourself to me, and I wanted to test how far I could push you and still have you there, because I didn’t have enough self esteem to realise you loved me any other way.
And I’m so sorry. And ever since I realised that I’ve felt so guilty. But I’m not going to make excuses for myself. I was lying if I ever said I didn’t love you any second, even if I said I didn’t want to talk I needed some time and space, even if it was just a passing look in my face. I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’ll stay up with you all night. I’ll bring you those random little things like a can of Dr.Pepper, like you used to do to make me happy. If I needed to I’d tell the entire world because that’s how major we are, how real this is, and how this is something so much stronger than anything else. I’ll go to art galleries with you, cos I know how much you love them. I’ll try my best to understand you when it’s hard. And I’ll leave all the fucking selfish shit, all the tumours inside me behind. I’ll spend more time appreciating life instead of lying in bed. Or I’ll lie in bed with you for days on end if you want me to. And I’m here to shed tears for you if you need me to. I’m here to rip your jaws open if they’re clenched tight. I’ll always believe you, and I’ll never leave you.
I don't know if I'll update this blog for a while, then again I might do in a few days, if there's one thing I've learnt in life it's that you never know. I have a lot on and I don't think it's right to post for the sake of posting, if I do post it will only be for good reason, keeping in theme, and when I really feel like I can express myself in words.
Thank you.
....and i can still relate. keep writing babe.
ReplyDelete*tries on 5+ years hiatus & old tears form.
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