Sit On My Roof With Me?

Major depressive disorder (also known as clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder) is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

I've been given Citalopram on a low dosage. I've yet to have taken any, I should've started my treatment yesterday but I forgot. I'll start tonight and tell you how it goes. I'm also starting some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - they train you to think differently cos you're mentally abnormal or some shit) sometime soon, there's a very long waiting list but I'm urgent haha.

Keeping up with school work:

My coursework and general learning has been compromised so greatly because of this recent mess. I've always been a naturally smart person - luckily for myself - and that used to be enough to get me through with minimum amount of effort. But now that I'm studying A Levels I'm at a massive disadvantage. That is that nearly everyone in my course is somewhat brainy and that still isn't enough to keep you going, the workload is ridiculous to the point that people of a sound mind find it hard work to keep up, never mind a nutter. So I'm putting it on hold, not so much out of choice but just because I couldn't possible phantom doing anything mildly constructive at the moment.

There is one girl in my Theatre Studies class who also has depression, I spoke to her about it yesterday online and it's such a breath of fresh air to talk to someone who actually understands how things are. Everything we seemed to say to each other was just a mirror of the others feelings and she seemed to get exactly where I was coming from with all my complaints and vice versa. The reason I decided to talk to her about it was something very little that my Theatre Studies teacher said in our lesson during the day; basically we're doing group scripted performances for our exam and the teacher we had is directing my group, there's been complaints about how unreliable people are and one girl who is a friend of mine mentioned in a joking tone that we should just cut the other girls lines cos she's never in, the teacher just snapped at her saying don't even go there. So I knew something was up. It's funny how people don't notice how wrong things can be in others lives.

Yesterday I ran into one of my Product Design teachers in the corridor, he stopped me and said that he wasn't going to be in tomorrow (today) so to tell anyone else in the class if I see them. I was like ok. He was asked if I was going to be in (because I have a terrible track record of being in sometimes)

"I don't know"

"You've yet to decide weather you'll be coming to my lesson then, as usual."

"Well no."

"Are you going to be randomly ill again then?"

"I'm starting a new course of anti-depressants tonight so it depends how that goes."

"Oh ok..."

Haha, that shut him up. I'm considering telling all my teachers about my depression, maybe then they'll understand a little more and stop having a go at me for missing lessons here and there. Plus it's fun seeing them speechless and unable to criticise me for once.

My boyfriend not understanding how to deal with my depression:

The one person I've needed the most to be there for me and with me hasn't been. I think it scares him a lot. But it really makes me question how much he actually cares for me by putting me in the position of having to cheer up and get over it to see him. For the last week or so, I've been asking him everyday to come and spend time with me, and all I get is the same answer "I'm busy" or "I don't want to see you when you're acting like a dickhead." Supportive eh?

Yesterday I was literally begging him to come over, just for a bit. Now I understand I'm hardly a fountain of fun to spend time with but as someone I've been with for over 3 years you'd think he'd get over that and want to be with me anyways. Fair enough sometimes I'm a fucking maniac and I don't make any coherent sense, and yes I am going to take some of my frustrations out on him, but get over it ya kno. How much can you love someone if you aren't there for them when they actually need you?

Yesterday I was sitting on my roof under a duvet with a pillow listening to my I-Pod, trying to make sense of things and relax a bit. And I thought how nice it'd be if he was here with me. So I sent him a text, and this is how it went:

Me: Wanna come sit on my roof with me?

Me: (5 minutes later) Please x

Boyfriend: i can't im in college. Please dnt sit on the roof x

Me: It's nice up here it makes me kinda relaxed. What time are you done?x

Boyfriend: Half 5. Im busy tho and i really dont want 2 c u 2day im sorry x

Me: Why are you doing this? I need you.

Boyfriend: I dont want 2 c u because ir acting like a dick ok?

I ignore his few phone calls from an withheld number because I don't really want to talk to him now

Me: Please just so I can try to explain myself.x

Boyfriend: Answer the phone then.

So finally I talk to him on the phone. I tell him I need him and I'd like him to come over, he says that I need to just relax and get over it and I don't need any of this (this being the antidepressants and therapy) and I'm just being a dickhead and all I'm going to do is use him for a punch bag (metaphorically of course). Then he puts down the phone.

A painting my boyfriend did of my last year, I think my nose looks too small but still it's banging.

I don't really know what to do; it angers me that he doesn't care enough about me to come and support me and it just seems very selfish. It's an eye opener to a lot about our relationship. He should be there for me in sickness and in health right? Not just when things are cool?

P.S.

I've got 5 followers! Haha, I don't know how many of you are actually reading this, but just you being there makes me feel like someone is listening, so thank you. I'd like to hear any advice, comments, improvements I could make, or knock knock jokes in the comments, just because I think that'd be cool. I've also kind of popped little headings to what I'll be talking about in the following paragraphs, just so you can skip anything you really don't give a fuck about.