And now my mum is sending me to the doctors again, I have to ask for counselling, not Prozac. I wonder how much that'll cost the NHS.
She also found my self harm stuff, but she hasn't seen what damage I've done with it. Evidently she took it.
My forearm, a little suttin suttin I've been working on since last weekend. Note the emo heart haha, nicely done.
But whatever I'll keep that all short seeing as that seems to be the tone of most teenagers blog and it gets old pretty quick.
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My Boyfriend
We've been together for over 3 years now, when we met I was 13 and he was 15, he is two years ahead of me. He's got medium length light ginger hair, he's 5'11 and slight but toned. He does fine art and spends all his time getting stoned or drawing pictures. He's the only person who I feel safe with and the only person I really want to see any more.
And at the moment I really, really hate him.
I wrote a letter to him and covered it in blood the other night after he left my crying in my bed when I was all crazy (for the 3rd time this week), clearly I'm not going to give it to him. But I'll transcript it for you:
Dear Boyfriend
How the fuck could you do that. Don't fucking leave me crying alone in my bed because you're tired and I won't "cheer up". Do you even care at all? And it's so obvious you've noticed my left arm, how dare you choose to ignore it. IT IS FUCKING EASIER TO IGNORE HOW I AM RIGHT NOW? You don't understand how much I need you to be patient with me right now, I want you to try and be there for me. It's like everything makes me want to die. I don't want to do anything. I want time to stop. All I can feel is sadness and dread. And I have no energy to do anything. I don't deserve to be happy and I'd lie here forever if I could. Don't tell me to cheer up, it's not that simple, that I can choose to make this hollow feeling go away. I hate myself and I hate my life. Nothing has upset me, that's just the way I feel. I need you to support me badly. I feel so alone and you keep leaving me like this Boyfriend.
Jeez, how melodramatic and lame is that.
I'm considering sending him a string of 30 or so short abusive text messages, seeing as the random one or two aren't getting my point across.
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Anyway I've been invited to a friends (I use that term extremely loosely) 18th birthday party tonight; it'll be the typical kind of thing, a shitty rented hall, old man DJ playing Michael Jackson/Riverside Motherfucker, girls in badly done make up with too much orange leg showing under their topshop body-con dresses and teenage boys who look about 15 dancing badly to bad music, both sides trying to look sexy, crying and throwing up . I don't want to go.
Boyfriend is invited too but he's going to get stoned with his "boyz" instead. I wanted him to go with me, I could get disgustingly drunk and he could drive me home and lie in bed with me whilst I cry. That would've been my ideal night. Or honestly maybe just the latter to be honest. But now I either go with friends, have a shit time, spend the entire night wanting to go home. Or stay in and spend the entire night wanting to die.
my friend has a form of depression, and had a boyfriend for the last year. they used to get into all these fights because she like you said wouldn't "cheer up", and he was insensitive and couldn't understand it. eventually they broke up for completely unrelated issues. about a month ago, his uncle died, and that triggered his depression. he wrote her this gorgeous letter about how sorry he was and how it was so hard to understand what she was going through until he had to be the one going through it. i know you posted this a while ago, but i just thought that story might help... you know, since you're not alone. also, i really like what i've read of your blog so far :)
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